The Broken Chair

"Holy crap, Marie!"

Is the phrase that comes to mind when I think of this movie. Unfortunately, It was just that... crap. Being a fan of Generation 1 and Beast Wars, I found that these movies are just 2 hour commercials for merchandise. This movie was sorely lacking story, I mean real story. It looks like Michael Bay just grabbed the script on top of the pile and said "Throw in some explosions and we're set" It starts out Sam (Shia LaBeouf) is off to collage because he wants to be "normal" (sorry, you live with a transforming robot, "normal" is out the window!) and is not allowed to have his car, Bumblebee, the Autobot who transforms into a 2008 concept Camaro. Yeah, what 19 year old wouldn't want to take that to college?!?! Hot car like that, a kid will FIND away to bring it. Anyway, Sam finds a piece of the All Spark (from the first film) in his clothes and it turns the kitchen appliances (ugh!) into robots. Insanity ensues. Action was abundant, explosions, fighting robots you can't tell where 1 robot ends and another begins.

The Autobots

They brought back Peter Cullen (the Original Cartoon Prime) which is always a pleasure, after all to me he IS Prime. The introduction of new characters (barely!) Sideswipe, a concept Corvette and Arcee ...sisters(?) 3 motorcycles? But these characters were very brief.  Instead of using the afore mentioned Transformers, Bay decides to waste time (ours and in the story) with Mudflap and Skidz. These 'bots were the Transformers equivalent to Jar Jar Binks (More like Jar Jar Bots!) They were the writers way to try and connect with a younger crowd, not a bad thing but it was done poorly. I've read online that some people saw these two were robots in black face, and that may not be as accurate a statement.  in my opinion this may be a case of some old guy trying to speak street and failing miserably.  ( Nothing worse than a ageing hipster!) Also, Jetfire made his movie debut, and going the other direction, made this character some old, crotchety 'bot that farted fire, had a cane, and sported some sort of metal beard. Really trying to reach those 90+ Trans-fans!

As for the Decepticons...

Hugo Weaving (Matrix, Lord of the Rings) Returns as Megatron, and we find out he isn't the real Leader.  Some guy named The Fallen (HUH?) is.  Bay did however manage to throw in genius voice actor, Frank Welker, (who was the original Megatron, Soundwave, Rumble, Etc.  Check him out on IMDB, I guarantee you'll know some of his work) as wasted character Soundwave. This guy sat in orbit and stole Earth's Defense Satellite...Boring!  Constructicons (robots who combine to form a giant robot, Devastator) make their appearance as well.  Apparently the depiction of Devastator is only to get off a bad joke.  Devastator has... balls. Yes, I said balls.

I know I didn't mention all the robots, and be thankful. They really aren't worth mentioning. And worse, the less that's said about the human cast, the better. As my boss, John, would say; "They were about as useful as tits on a bull". Hot girls, crazy parents, and army guys. They all seem pretty faceless.

All in all, it was 77% action+3% lackluster story+3% love story+6% bad/useless characters+1% Devastator balls= 1 typical Michael Bay film.