"Holy crap, Marie!"
Is the phrase that comes to mind when I think of this movie. Unfortunately,
It was just that… crap. Being a fan of Generation 1 and Beast Wars, I found
that these movies are just 2 hour commercials for merchandise. This movie was
sorely lacking story, I mean real story. It looks like Michael Bay just grabbed
the script on top of the pile and said "Throw in some explosions and we’re
set" It starts out Sam (Shia LaBeouf) is off to collage because he wants to
be "normal" (sorry, you live with a transforming robot,
"normal" is out the window!) and is not allowed to have his car,
Bumblebee, the Autobot who transforms into a 2008 concept Camaro. Yeah, what 19
year old wouldn’t want to take that to college?!?! Hot car like that, a kid will
FIND away to bring it. Anyway, Sam finds a piece of the All Spark (from the
first film) in his clothes and it turns the kitchen appliances (ugh!) into
robots. Insanity ensues. Action was abundant, explosions, fighting robots you
can’t tell where 1 robot ends and another begins.
They brought back Peter Cullen (the Original Cartoon Prime) which is always a
pleasure, after all to me he IS Prime. The introduction of new characters
(barely!) Sideswipe, a concept Corvette and Arcee …sisters(?) 3 motorcycles?
But these characters were very brief. Instead of using the afore mentioned
Transformers, Bay decides to waste time (ours and in the story) with Mudflap and
Skidz. These ‘bots were the Transformers equivalent to Jar Jar Binks (More like
Jar Jar Bots!) They were the writers way to try and connect with a younger
crowd, not a bad thing but it was done poorly. I’ve read online that some people
saw these two were robots in black face, and that may not be as accurate a
statement. in my opinion this may be a case of some old guy trying to
speak street and failing miserably. ( Nothing worse than a ageing
hipster!) Also, Jetfire made his movie debut, and going the other direction,
made this character some old, crotchety ‘bot that farted fire, had a cane, and
sported some sort of metal beard. Really trying to reach those 90+ Trans-fans!
As for the Decepticons…
Hugo Weaving (Matrix, Lord of the Rings) Returns as Megatron, and we find out
he isn’t the real Leader. Some guy named The Fallen (HUH?) is. Bay
did however manage to throw in genius voice actor, Frank Welker, (who was the
original Megatron, Soundwave, Rumble, Etc. Check him out on IMDB, I
guarantee you’ll know some of his work) as wasted character Soundwave. This guy
sat in orbit and stole Earth’s Defense Satellite…Boring! Constructicons
(robots who combine to form a giant robot, Devastator) make their appearance as
well. Apparently the depiction of Devastator is only to get off a bad
joke. Devastator has… balls. Yes, I said balls.
I know I didn’t mention all the robots, and be thankful. They really aren’t
worth mentioning. And worse, the less that’s said about the human cast, the
better. As my boss, John, would say; "They were about as useful as tits on
a bull". Hot girls, crazy parents, and army guys. They all seem pretty
All in all, it was 77% action+3% lackluster story+3% love story+6%
bad/useless characters+1% Devastator balls= 1 typical Michael Bay film.